Author: livesadmin

 

A relapse from recovery of drugs and/or alcohol can be devastating for loved ones. You have no control, you can’t fix it, and you feel utterly hopeless. It doesn’t matter if they are remorseful or not, your heart is still broken. How can they keep relapsing time after time knowing that they are hurting themselves and their family? This is a very normal thought when it comes to relapse, but this may help better explain why they relapse in the first place and what you can do to help not only them, but you.

Understanding Relapse

Two things really keep an addict and/or alcohol clean and sober. One is a solution outside of addiction and the other is their willingness to apply action towards that solution. If one is not utilized along with the other, relapse will most likely take place. So, you may be wondering what the solution is? That is exactly what we are about to explain now.

The Solution

There are a few phases of recovery that an addict/alcoholic can go through in order to treat addiction. One is the discovery phase. This phase is usually obtained in treatment. It is a safe place where they can learn about the disease of addiction, learn coping tools, heal from past trauma through therapy, and apply what they have learned to their new life in recovery. If they leave too early, it may actually sabotage their chances.  If they are not willing to put in the hard work and dedication it takes into their recovery, they will also not be able to stay clean and sober. It really is ultimately up to the addict/alcoholic if they want to recover. No person, place, or thing can fix them without their true willingness to do the work and take the action.

So if treatment is the discovery phase, then what is the real solution after treatment in order for them to stay clean and sober? From our experience, 12-step fellowships have been the most successful form of long-term assistance in alcoholics and addicts staying sober. Those we have found who have been able to achieve lifelong recovery have also included the 12 Steps and meetings into their life. It really is that simple. Again though, it is up to them to do the work in the rooms as well. They cannot or will not stay sober if they are not thoroughly working a program of recovery and applying the steps in their lives.

If you would like to learn more about AA or NA, please feel free to check out the links below. The more you know the better chance you have at not being manipulated by your loved ones disease.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

What Can I Do In The Meantime?

You may also be wondering what you can do in order to help heal and recover from their disease. We suggest attending programs like Al-Anon (sister program to AA) or Nar-Anon (sister program to NA). These programs are wonderful for loved ones of an alcoholic or addict. This is a place where you can get guidance and support.

Support Groups For Family

In addition, our Alumni Department is always willing to be a listening ear while offering support and help. We want you to know that you are not alone and that we are always here for you.

The Watershed Alumni Department Family Support Line: 877-975-4837

Their Addiction Is Not Your Fault

Their addiction is not your fault, so it is time to stop blaming yourself and take action into your own healing and recovery. The healthier you are, the better you will be able to help and assist your loved one. If you would like to talk to someone now to get help for you loved one, please click here: Addiction Chat Line. We understand what addiction can do and we want to let you know you are not alone and we are here for you.

 

Time to Stop Enabling

 Why should family and friends stop old behaviors that contributed to their loved one’s addiction?

Of course you remember the old routine the addict in your life used to perform when they needed your help getting them out of tough situations, or the times when you gave them your approval to party. You now realize that these circumstances were created by their addiction to alcohol or drugs.

Mom, I feel terrible.  I’m too sick to even talk on the phone. Could you please call my boss and tell him I’m sick with a fever and will not be in today… OK?

Jonathan, I do not understand how you could have spent your entire paycheck on donating money to Ronald McDonald… Yes, I will pay your car loan and your rent again.

I do not want to drink and smoke crack with you, Tom. The kids are asleep in the next room. No, do not go check into that sleazy hotel; if you stay home, I will do a little with you.

I found your pot and pills stash, Ashley. If you do not get rid of that stuff today, I am leaving you. And this time, I mean it.

The fact is that you were not helping your loved one at all.  You were actually enabling them to continue using and abusing their drug of choice.  In actuality, you were making it easy for them to dodge the undesirable and negative consequences that go along with the mid-to-late stages of alcoholism and drug addiction. You were robbing them of their consequences.  The more times you gave the addict what they wanted and rescued them, the more they expected you to continue this role.  

Now, your loved one has returned home clean and sober.  Your loved one is ready to live life on life’s terms. One of the best ways you can help your loved one in recovery is to not help them.  Do not engage in the kind of unhealthy emotional and financial assistance you provided in their addiction. “A very common response to living with a person in recovery is for family members to attempt to rescue or protect their loved one from normal problems,” says Watershed Addiction Treatment Programs psychotherapist, Jackie Glass.

Friends and family members of addicts in recovery usually try to provide help when it is not really necessary, or they may attempt to control their loved one’s program of recovery. Although you have good intention, these behaviors are counterproductive.   Family members should allow their loved one the dignity and respect to face and work through the consequences of their actions. Naturally, you want to celebrate and reward the recovering alcoholic/addicts choice to become clean and sober. If that person is struggling to find a job, trying to catch up on outstanding bills or in need of new clothes because they either lost or gained weight while in drug rehab, you may likely want to make things easier for them.

What is the difference between healthy and harmful help? Find assistance and support from groups like Al-Anon/Alateen, Naranon and Coda. These 12-step fellowships are resources for people whose lives have been affected by the disease of addiction. Just like Alcoholics, Narcotics or Cocaine Anonymous, these family support fellowships provide forums where members share their own experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems.

Remember, you are not the cause of their addiction.  You could not have controlled their addiction, nor could you have cured their addiction. Therefore, you have no real power over their recovery. The decision to become and remain sober is ultimately in the hands of the recovering alcoholic/addict.

Jackie suggests the following simple things family and friends can do to help without enabling:

Get educated about chemical dependency, co-occurring disorders, relapse prevention, and recovery. Know that chemical dependency is a mental health issue. Get involved with Alanon, Naranon or Alateen and remember the above paragraph.

Participate in the Family Weekend Program at The Watershed. Expect ups and downs, and highs and lows.  Sobriety is a process. Keep the home free of alcohol and addictive drugs. Attend and participate in open AA or NA meetings. Provide support through love, compassion and listening. Never feel threatened by the recovering involvement or time spent working on their 12 step program. Accept the fact that the addict may have to detach from the family or family functions in order to achieve and maintain sobriety. Understand that your loved one’s recovery is their responsibility.  Their recovery is never contingent on the actions and attitudes of the family.

Play a large role in your own recovery as an active enabler.  Taking care of yourself is the most beneficial support you can provide. When you stop overly financing and facilitating the addict’s life in sobriety, they will instinctively know that you would not likely provide backup should they decide to return to using alcohol or drugs.  You cannot give them a better gift then that.   

It would be nice to believe that once the addict in your life has successfully completed treatment, they will never again return to using the substances that brought them to insanity and almost death.

Well, there is good news and bad news.  Relapse is not a requirement for all recovering addicts.  However, for some, it will become a reality.

The Watershed Family Weekend Program believes that relapse can be a common occurrence among recovering individuals. The chemically dependent person in early recovery needs to be extra cautious and aware of their personal signs and symptoms, triggers, and scenarios that could result in relapse.

“Addicts and alcoholics don’t just use to self-medicate; if it’s a good day they’ll want to use and if it’s a bad day, they’ll want to use,” Jackie G., Program Director. “Addicts tend to associate drug (or alcohol) use with things like celebrating a pay raise, anniversaries, holidays – even the fact they’ve achieved what they believe is significant clean time.”

The Watershed Program Director says the most common reason people relapse is because of denial, the foundation of the disease of addiction. Denial is an acronym, of sorts, for “Don’t Even Know I am lying.” Chemical dependency is a brain disorder, so the brain uses denial and defense mechanisms such as euphoric recall and magical thinking. Euphoric recall is romanticizing the ritual, use and effects of the chemical and denying, minimizing or ignoring the consequences of the use. Magical thinking is the addict believing that he or she can “control” their use or believing that others won’t find out or know.  It’s the “big lie” in an addict’s mind that they will be able to safely use again.  That it will be different this time. 

Not everyone who leaves treatment will head straight to the liquor store or drug dealer. Nor can it be said that all recovering addicts will stay clean for an extended period of time.  Their will power may weaken over time and they may pick up again.

Friends and family members of the recovering addict/alcoholic should understand that a relapse is not a sudden, single event.  A return to use is a process that may have been in the works for a while. Friends and family members can support the future recovery of the addicts in their life by learning to recognize and then address relapse-mode actions and behaviors. Many addicts who relapsed but returned to recovery included the following among their pre-relapse warning signs:

Staying in touch with or hanging around the people, places and things associated with using and active addiction

Becoming inconsistent about or failing to continue aftercare and discharge plans, such as attending and participating in a 12-step program, obtaining a sponsor, outpatient counseling, medical doctors appointments, therapy or stopping psychiatric meds on their own and against medical advice

Dramatic life changes–either good (raise or promotion at work) or bad (death in the family or divorce)

Lack of structure or too much free time, leading to edginess and boredom

Hanging out or living in an environment where alcohol, drugs or paraphernalia is around

Isolating is a huge warning sign – this includes failing to attend meetings and losing contact with sober support network, as well as  spending unnecessary time alone

Participating in other addictive behaviors such as excessive eating, gambling, acting out sexually, or working too much

Constantly thinking or obsessing about alcohol, drugs, or the using days – fun looks big and consequences look small

Hanging on to anger, resentments, hurt feelings, fear and unresolved issues

The false belief that “I’ve got this”- feeling as if addiction could not possibly happen again, overconfidence and possibly disassociation from meetings, sponsor, sober support network and belief that it is safe to hang around people who use

Jackie says that learning to identify relapse scenarios and triggers is a focus of treatment at The Watershed, but it is not uncommon for some to subscribe to the philosophy that,  It might happen to someone else, but not to me.

How can you as a friend or family member of an addict, be on the lookout for these signs?  How can you help the recovering addict to recognize them, without invading or controlling their recovery? Offering support and encouragement is extremely important.  You must realize that recovering addicts the overwhelming majority of people in early recovery do have thoughts of using, drinking or drugging dreams, and fleeting thoughts that just taking one would make things better. The response to these thoughts is what’s important and what can prevent a relapse, Jackie says.

An easy and accessible way of combating those things is a variation on the old recovery saying.  Play the tape through, which is when recovering addicts are encouraged to think back on their using days and the consequences of using. Rewinding the tape may have a bigger impact on their thoughts.  Starting at the beginning may bring up recollections of good times and fun, before addiction took over. Starting at the end, when the progression of the disease involved things like stealing to pay for drugs, DUI or other drug related arrests and legal problems, painful withdrawal, despair, depression, demoralization, and complete loss of self and connection to family, is a useful tool to keep relapse away.

“Family members must understand that there is hope and healing for them, as well as for the family members of addicts and alcoholics,” Jackie says.