Lives in Recovery

Category: Acceptance

  • Arguing with a Disease

    Arguing with a Disease

    The first line of the Serenity Prayer says, “God, GRANT me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” which indicates to me, that serenity is not something that comes from within, but something that has to be given to me.

    For me, serenity began when I finally began to learn to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me.

    I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference or assistance! The key to serenity is acceptance. But “acceptance” does not mean that I have to like it, or condone it or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it, and I have to accept that. I MUST accept it!

    Arguing with a Disease

    I spent years trying to change the alcoholics in my life. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, bribed and generally tried all I could to make the situation better only watch as the situation grew progressively worse only to hang on while the abuse progressed and the pain increased.

    For me, acceptance came when I finally realized that I was dealing with a disease. Somebody told me, “You can’t argue with a disease.” That helped me change my attitude about the problem. It freed me up from the “responsibility” of trying to do the impossible, from trying to control the uncontrollable.

    I finally realized that it was NOT MY JOB to change someone else. That acceptance alone has brought me a great deal of serenity that was never there before, but was granted to me by the help and friendship I have been privileged to enjoy in Al-Anon… and a power greater than myself.

  • Why Do Children Use Drugs?

    The reason children use drugs ranges from simple to complex. Here are a few of the most common reasons children pick up a drug:

    Peer pressure: Young people may give in to pressures from other kids to try drugs. They may use a drug to feel like part of the crowd, or to act grown-up.

    Pleasure: Some teenagers say they take drugs to feel good.

    Curiosity or Experimentation: At first, teenagers may be tempted to try a drug to find out for themselves what it is like. Usually people who use a drug for this reason do not continue use for long periods of time.

    Boredom: If they lack outside activities and interests after school, young people may want to try something new and exciting. The 9:00 to 3:30 routine may be as boring to children as the 9:00 to 5:00 routine is for many adults.

    Self-esteem: Young people, as well as adults, often use drugs to try to feel more confident about themselves. Drugs seem to make them feel more important and powerful.

    Coping with stress: Many young people have not fully developed their problem-solving skills. Some of them use drugs to help cope with problems at school, in the family, and with social relationships.

    Escapism: Drugs appear to make things better than they really are. Problems don’t seem as real or important.

    Rebellion: Since most adults do not approve of drug use among children, young people may use drugs to rebel against parents or teachers.

    Mental illness: Drug use may be an indicator of underlying mental illness.

  • “Addicts” vs. “Users”

    Why is it that some people can use drugs and stop, and others use once and struggle for the rest of their lives trying to stop and/or denying they have a problem? The difference between “real drug addicts” and those we in the recovery world call “drug users,” is the reason the person is using to begin with. A drug user uses because it is fun and relaxing and they are able – for the most part – to control the amount they use. Sometimes a drug user may encounter a consequence to their use and will then make a decision to stop. As for the real drug addict, they are using to quiet their mind and fill the emptiness within their soul that allows them to feel normal. That emptiness is what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls a spiritual malady. At this point, the drug addict feels as if he has arrived and found the missing key. He will then persistently chase that first high and will never again be able to regain the sense of ease and comfort he once did from his first encounter with his drug of choice. No matter what his experiences, good or bad, may be in his journey through his addiction, the drug addict will maintain an obsession that they will one day be able to figure out how to regain that peaceful encounter they once had. This is what we call the obsession of the mind. Leaving behind all things that mean anything is sometimes a huge consequence these addicted types will elect rather than choosing to get clean.

    Those that do have an experience with getting clean often cannot withstand the amount of guilt and shame they endure for the decisions made during their sprees, and will turn right back to using once again. This return to using sets off what is known to be a phenomenon of craving, which is an insatiable desire for more that can never be fulfilled. This is why a program of action is imperative for the real addict. Getting a sponsor and working the steps will allow them to see life with new eyes, filling the emptiness with a higher power instead of drugs. Sounds like a strange exchange – drugs for God – but it has worked for millions, and continues to work for anyone willing to put forth the effort necessary.

    A drug user has a choice whether or not they will use drugs again, but the drug addict has at some point lost that power of choice and will use again. Not because they have no will power, not because they don’t love you, but because they have no choice and use drugs as the only solution they know to combat the unbearable feelings within. Recovery offers the drug addict a new solution to every aspect of their life that works. Recovery is possible for anyone that can be honest that the drug solution just does not work.

  • Codependency

    Defining Codependency

    Codependency is an excessive psychological or emotional dependence on a person. Typically a codependent person attaches themselves to those suffering from an illness, whether it is emotional, mental, or physical.

    Many times codependency, or codependent, is used to describe someone who is dealing with a person who suffers from drug addiction and/or alcoholism.

    More Information as it relates to codependency?

    Dysfunctional Family Roles: Growing Up With Addiction

    Are You In Love Or Lust?

    Defining Codependency

    Am I Codependent?

    Understanding Codependency: What is Codependency?

    Codependents usually display patterns that can be quickly identified if the person is being honest with themselves – they are: denial, low self-esteem, complacent, controlling, and avoidance. How do I know if I have these patterns? Click here: Codependent Patterns.

    Where can I get help for Codependency? CoDA: Co-Dependents Anonymous

    There is hope and recovery for codependency, but you have to first admit there is a problem before you can fix it. Find Codependents Anonymous Meeting now: CoDA Meeting Locator.

  • Family Roles and Addiction

    Family Roles and Addiction

    Certain roles are often present in any family, but when drug addiction is added to the mix these roles become considerably prevalent.  The entire family is in a sense, “spiritually sick.”  Identifying these roles is the first step in the healing process.  Let’s look at each specific role.   

    The Addict

    This is the family member with the addiction.  Everything is centered on and revolves around this person.  Other family members take on different roles around this person.  They pick up whatever duties and responsibilities the addict is lacking.  However, the addict does not have to be the most important person in family recovery.  The addict is driven by self-centered fear. 

    The Enabler 

    The enabler is also known as the caretaker.  Without this person, no other roles would be possible.  The enabler avoids the issue and tries to keep everyone in the family happy.  They are constantly making excuses and keep the family from getting better.  This person minimizes or ignores the problem when talking to others.  The enabler feels helpless, inadequate and fear. 

    The Hero 

    The hero is the family member who tries their hardest to make the family look good on the outside.  This person is the perfectionist.  They make the outside look good and pretend like the problem doesn’t exist.  The hero is full of guilt, shame and fear. 

    The Mascot 

    This family member is the one who tries to make light of the situation.  They make inappropriate jokes to cover up how they really feel.  Sometimes they take these jokes too far and harm others.  This can be detrimental in the recovery process.  The mascot is experiencing feelings of shame, anger and embarrassment. 

    The Scapegoat

    This person is the rebel of the family.  The scapegoat will often act out around others.  They like to keep the attention away from the addict who needs help.  The scapegoat is an expert at covering things up doing anything to divert attention from the problem.  This person has underlying feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness. 

    The Lost Child

    This is the quiet family member who will never mention the problem.  They keep to themselves and always use caution before they talk or act.  The lost child does everything to avoid conversations about the problem at hand.  They will even give up personal needs and desires to avoid confrontation.  The lost child feels anger, neglect and loneliness. 

    Overcoming Family Roles and Codependency

    Ultimately, these roles lead to codependency in an unhealthy family.  Family members are living their lives based on what another family member needs.  They lose their identity and become the role they are playing. 

    Looking at these roles individually allows each family member the ability to make changes.  Overcoming these roles allows you to overcome more significant issues, like drug addiction and alcoholism.  In the healing process, each family member should become whole so that the family can work together to deal with problems in a healthy way. 

    The goal should be for each family member to become true to themselves, so that they have something to offer the group as a whole.  They should act in a way that is independent and proactive against the way they were acting in their assigned role.  When a family works out their problems in this way they can deal with a problem like drug addiction as a unit, rather than each member playing their specific role. 

    Not playing the part can be difficult.  You have to be honest with yourself and decide how you wish things were.   Next, you have to communicate that without playing a role and incorporate plans for how you want your new life to be.  When one family member changes it usually throws the others off balance, so try to be patient and tolerant of others. 

    See more at: Family Outreach Program

  • Adult Children Of Addiction

    Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Home:  Children and Addiction

    Children who grow up in an addicted home suffer just as much, if not worse than the addict or alcoholic.  Dysfunctional homes can take a toll on a child’s emotional, physical and cognitive development.  When addiction is present in a home, children take on different roles to compensate for the lack of guidance from the addicted parent.  These different roles lead to long term emotional problems, and studies show that children that grow up in addicted homes are more likely to develop substance abuse problems themselves. 

    Depending on the child’s method of coping with the dysfunction in the home, children of addicts and alcoholics take on different roles.  These coping mechanisms are a child’s way of dealing with the severe pain they are experiencing.  Some children develop a way to shut things off and hide their pain, while others will offer up too much information at inappropriate times.    Let’s look at some examples of the roles children play in an addicted home.

    Enabler

    This is the child is the care taker and protector.  They assume the household responsibilities and take care of siblings.     The enabler is emotionally close to the addict or alcoholic.  They feel grow up feeling sorry for themselves and they grow up with very low self-esteem.  They feel like nothing is ever good enough. 

    Scapegoat

    This child gets in trouble and acts out in school.  He or she diverts attention from the problem by gaining negative attention.  They are disobedient and defiant with authority figures.  They are full of anger and rage. 

    Invisible

    This is the child who disappears into their room or isolates from family and friends.  The disappearing child may also find a healthy family or friend to escape to.  This child’s escape may also be some kind of fantasy world through books or a make believe friend.  They are introverts who are quiet and withdrawn.  This child will grow up with extreme social phobias. 

    Hero

    This child is a perfectionist.  They believe that their accomplishments will make the family seem “normal.’  He or she is always seeking approval by being over polite and following the rules.  They are over achievers, but always feel less than. 

    Jester

    This child is the class clown or entertainer.  They are extremely immature and insecure.  The jokester uses comedy and pranks to deflect  negative emotions. 

    Children of addicts and alcoholics can play any or all of these roles at different times throughout their lives.  They usually have a very unbalanced childhood, and they grow up in constant fear.  As these children grow into adults many take on symptoms of an addict without ever putting a substance in their bodies.  They begin seeking out love from people they feel they can rescue.  Many become addicted to chaos and create drama in their lives. 

    There is a Way Out

    Children and adults who grow up in addicted homes can recover.  They need to feel they can express their feelings and emotions in a safe place with people they can trust.    Other family members, teachers, social workers, sports coaches, church leaders, and respective community figures can be positive role models.  Children who have grown up in an unhealthy environment gain a sense of well-being from the presence of mentors like these in their lives. 

    The healing process begins when a child or an adult child of an addict or alcoholic starts talking with a counselor or someone they trust about their feelings.  Support from groups like ACA, Alanon/Alateen, and connecting with other Watershed family members on this site are extremely helpful.  Through this healing process children of addicts and alcoholics will learn to take responsibility for their own actions and change what they can change in the present moment. 

    -See more at: Dysfunctional Family Roles: Growing Up With Addiction

  • Family Roles and Addiction

    Family Roles and Addiction

    Certain roles are often present in any family, but when drug addiction is added to the mix these roles become considerably prevalent.  The entire family is in a sense, “spiritually sick.”  Identifying these roles is the first step in the healing process.  Let’s look at each specific role.   

    The Addict

    This is the family member with the addiction.  Everything is centered on and revolves around this person.  Other family members take on different roles around this person.  They pick up whatever duties and responsibilities the addict is lacking.  However, the addict does not have to be the most important person in family recovery.  The addict is driven by self-centered fear. 

    The Enabler 

    The enabler is also known as the caretaker.  Without this person, no other roles would be possible.  The enabler avoids the issue and tries to keep everyone in the family happy.  They are constantly making excuses and keep the family from getting better.  This person minimizes or ignores the problem when talking to others.  The enabler feels helpless, inadequate and fear. 

    The Hero 

    The hero is the family member who tries their hardest to make the family look good on the outside.  This person is the perfectionist.  They make the outside look good and pretend like the problem doesn’t exist.  The hero is full of guilt, shame and fear. 

    The Mascot 

    This family member is the one who tries to make light of the situation.  They make inappropriate jokes to cover up how they really feel.  Sometimes they take these jokes too far and harm others.  This can be detrimental in the recovery process.  The mascot is experiencing feelings of shame, anger and embarrassment. 

    The Scapegoat

    This person is the rebel of the family.  The scapegoat will often act out around others.  They like to keep the attention away from the addict who needs help.  The scapegoat is an expert at covering things up doing anything to divert attention from the problem.  This person has underlying feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness. 

    The Lost Child

    This is the quiet family member who will never mention the problem.  They keep to themselves and always use caution before they talk or act.  The lost child does everything to avoid conversations about the problem at hand.  They will even give up personal needs and desires to avoid confrontation.  The lost child feels anger, neglect and loneliness. 

    Overcoming Family Roles and Codependency

    Ultimately, these roles lead to codependency in an unhealthy family.  Family members are living their lives based on what another family member needs.  They lose their identity and become the role they are playing. 

    Looking at these roles individually allows each family member the ability to make changes.  Overcoming these roles allows you to overcome more significant issues, like drug addiction and alcoholism.  In the healing process, each family member should become whole so that the family can work together to deal with problems in a healthy way. 

    The goal should be for each family member to become true to themselves, so that they have something to offer the group as a whole.  They should act in a way that is independent and proactive against the way they were acting in their assigned role.  When a family works out their problems in this way they can deal with a problem like drug addiction as a unit, rather than each member playing their specific role. 

    Not playing the part can be difficult.  You have to be honest with yourself and decide how you wish things were.   Next, you have to communicate that without playing a role and incorporate plans for how you want your new life to be.  When one family member changes it usually throws the others off balance, so try to be patient and tolerant of others. 

    See more at: Family Outreach Program

  • Family Roles and Addiction

    Family Roles and Addiction

    Certain roles are often present in any family, but when drug addiction is added to the mix these roles become considerably prevalent.  The entire family is in a sense, “spiritually sick.”  Identifying these roles is the first step in the healing process.  Let’s look at each specific role.   

    The Addict

    This is the family member with the addiction.  Everything is centered on and revolves around this person.  Other family members take on different roles around this person.  They pick up whatever duties and responsibilities the addict is lacking.  However, the addict does not have to be the most important person in family recovery.  The addict is driven by self-centered fear. 

    The Enabler 

    The enabler is also known as the caretaker.  Without this person, no other roles would be possible.  The enabler avoids the issue and tries to keep everyone in the family happy.  They are constantly making excuses and keep the family from getting better.  This person minimizes or ignores the problem when talking to others.  The enabler feels helpless, inadequate and fear. 

    The Hero 

    The hero is the family member who tries their hardest to make the family look good on the outside.  This person is the perfectionist.  They make the outside look good and pretend like the problem doesn’t exist.  The hero is full of guilt, shame and fear. 

    The Mascot 

    This family member is the one who tries to make light of the situation.  They make inappropriate jokes to cover up how they really feel.  Sometimes they take these jokes too far and harm others.  This can be detrimental in the recovery process.  The mascot is experiencing feelings of shame, anger and embarrassment. 

    The Scapegoat

    This person is the rebel of the family.  The scapegoat will often act out around others.  They like to keep the attention away from the addict who needs help.  The scapegoat is an expert at covering things up doing anything to divert attention from the problem.  This person has underlying feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness. 

    The Lost Child

    This is the quiet family member who will never mention the problem.  They keep to themselves and always use caution before they talk or act.  The lost child does everything to avoid conversations about the problem at hand.  They will even give up personal needs and desires to avoid confrontation.  The lost child feels anger, neglect and loneliness. 

    Overcoming Family Roles and Codependency

    Ultimately, these roles lead to codependency in an unhealthy family.  Family members are living their lives based on what another family member needs.  They lose their identity and become the role they are playing. 

    Looking at these roles individually allows each family member the ability to make changes.  Overcoming these roles allows you to overcome more significant issues, like drug addiction and alcoholism.  In the healing process, each family member should become whole so that the family can work together to deal with problems in a healthy way. 

    The goal should be for each family member to become true to themselves, so that they have something to offer the group as a whole.  They should act in a way that is independent and proactive against the way they were acting in their assigned role.  When a family works out their problems in this way they can deal with a problem like drug addiction as a unit, rather than each member playing their specific role. 

    Not playing the part can be difficult.  You have to be honest with yourself and decide how you wish things were.   Next, you have to communicate that without playing a role and incorporate plans for how you want your new life to be.  When one family member changes it usually throws the others off balance, so try to be patient and tolerant of others. 

    See more at: Family Outreach Program

  • Acceptance

    Finding Peace While Your Child Struggles With Addiction

    When you’re a parent of an addict and/or alcoholic, finding peace when your child is suffering from the disease of addiction can seem impossible. There is however the hope that you can both find your way back to stabilization. Finding peace in the midst of chaos The idea of finding peace can provide relief, especially during extremely vulnerable times. Realistically, you shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether or not you’ve hugged your child for the last time. There’s no question your child’s addiction to alcohol and drugs has disrupted the relationship you share because the disease branches off…

  • A Family Disease

    A Family Disease

    “The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others.  Hearts are broken.  Sweet relationships are dead.  Affections have been uprooted.  Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.” (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 82)

    Addicts and alcoholics leave their families in a state of constant chaos and fear.  Selfishness, dishonesty and anger are commonplace in addicted homes.  The addict’s behavior creates negative emotions, which in turn causes family members to become more and more intoxicated by these conflicting feelings.  Like the addict, family members become “spiritually sick,” and they are usually in more pain than the addict. 

    The disease of addiction has a major impact on family dynamics, roles and stability. Because the entire family is affected, recovery is vital for the entire family.

    Stages of the Family Disease 

    Members of the family experience the same bottoming out process as the addict.  There are usually 4 stages the family goes through before seeking recovery. 

    The first stage involves natural concern.  The effects of the disease of addiction have only just begun and they are genuinely concerned about their loved one’s wellbeing.  They have no clue what they’re in for. 

    The next stage is when the family becomes defensive.  This follows the first time the family “blocks out” or denies the reality of the situation and what’s really going on.  This is the beginning of denial.  They may lie for the addict and cover up their behavior, while tolerating this behavior they begin to feel responsible for the problem.  Family members usually become absent minded in this phase.  They begin to feel inadequate and frustrated.  Often times they do everything in their power to take care of others, but they do nothing to help themselves. At this point, they are in need of mental help. 

    The third phase involves severe depression and anxiety.  Like the addict, they have completely lost their self-worth and their desire to go on.  They are completely and utterly exhausted.  The excuses and justifications stop working.  They are living a life completely run by fear.  This is the point when they have reached their “bottom.” 

    At this point, the recovery process can begin.  When the pain gets great enough, we take the action to change.  The entire family must face their problems and accept help in order to recover. 

    Family Addiction Recovery 

    The disease of addiction has a major impact on family dynamics, roles and stability. The entire family is affected, so recovery is vital for all.   A family recovery program is very similar to the addict’s. 

    Individual and group family counseling is highly recommended.  Therapy is a safe place to talk honestly and openly about how the disease affected you and your family as a whole.   A professional counselor can help by giving solution based feedback that you may not have come up with on your own.  Through therapy family communication and decision making for substance abuse problems in the future will improve dramatically. 

    A support system is absolutely essential in family recovery.  Find support groups from your Church, Alanon, Naranon, Coda, or connect with other Watershed Family members on this site.  Developing a support network of other people who have been directly affected by this disease is the first step in family recovery. 

    Learn the signs and symptoms of a relapse.  Watch for changes in behavior, attitude and mood swings.  The road to recovery is up and down, so be prepared and know what preventative measures you can take to help your loved one. 

    See more at: For Your Love One