Lives in Recovery

Category: Family

  • Continued Care for the Family

    Continued Care for the Family

    Addiction is a chronic disease; life-long recovery requires continued care for the loved one with the addiction problems, as well as for the family, also wishing to recover from the effects of alcoholism on the family structure.

    Most likely, in the course of your loved one’s treatment, you may have been involved in speaking to your loved one’s therapist or another member on their treatment team in order to share information. Those actions may have been helpful in developing a treatment plan as well as an aftercare plan. The continuing care plan focuses on how the patient can integrate recovery principles into daily life; both in treatment and beyond. Families and loved ones may do well to ask the patient’s therapist how those plans can be sustained through their own support. Research shows that patients who follow an aftercare plan are far more likely to maintain recovery.

    Addiction is called a family disease for valid reasoning. It’s common for family members and loved ones of addicts and alcoholics to become familiar with loneliness, remorse, anxiety, resentment and a whole other host of symptoms and emotions. This disease affects all family members differently; yet family members will be affected. Some may lose their sense of joy or spiritual nature, while still others may find themselves isolating and/or angry.

    Many times family members and loved ones will find themselves feeling as though they are personally responsible for holding the family structure intact. Healing, however, can come for family members when energies are focused towards more positive actions, such as their own needs and feelings.

    Participating in some sort of family group, such as Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, can be one of the most powerful contributions a loved one can make to the process of recovery and the rebuilding of relationships. By becoming conscious of the beliefs and experiences that shape our own behaviors, families can learn to identify and carry out new, healthy ways of coping with issues related to addiction.

    Family members and loved ones can locate Twelve Step meetings in nearby areas specifically designed for them. As well, The Watershed’s family interactive Web site, livesinrecovery.com, is an excellent resource for all those seeking answers to questions about addiction.

    Additional Resources

    Al-Anon: visit al-anon.org or call 888-4AL-ANON

    Families Anonymous: visit familiesanonymous.org or call 800-736-9805

  • Trust Again

    Learning to Trust Again

    Your loved one’s recovery is nothing short of a miracle, and you are extremely grateful for their new and normal lifestyle. So, why does your stomach still lurch and your fists still clench when your Loved one is a few minutes late coming home from school or work, or even when they are leaving to attend a recovery event with their new sober friends?

    It’s not that you want the addict by your side all the time, but more about the question as to when they are not here are they going to be able to handle the pressures and influences and not use drugs or alcohol?

    Jackie Glass, psychotherapist for The Watershed Addiction Treatment Centers, says one of the biggest challenges facing family and friends is learning to trust again. “It is normal for friends, family and co-workers to be anxious when the addict returns home and back to work after treatment,” Jackie says.

    “Trust is earned in time through communication, concrete behavior changes and in the achievement of significant clean time.  Family and friends naturally fear the addict/alcoholic will relapse and ultimately die,” Jackie continues.  “They feel anger and resentment because of the addict/alcoholic’s negative behaviors, yet love the individual and have hope for their future. Because of these fears and ambivalent feelings, the issues of trust and family expectations are exceptionally important to address in family counseling prior to the addict/alcoholic returning home.” The recovering addict and their families should remember the slogan, “One day at a time.”  Which literally means that sobriety is a day by day journey.

    Sobriety is maintained and continued after treatment by using a combination of the tools learned while in rehab and learning to apply them afterward with the help of a 12-step program, counseling or therapy, and in many cases, doctor-prescribed psychiatric medications. “One day at a time” can also be applied to the recovering addict’s family and friends. Addiction damages and destroys relationships.  Just because your loved one is home from treatment and sober now, you will not have a magically repaired relationship.  You may not trust them in the beginning of their recovery. It’s ok.  This takes time.  Trust, like sobriety, is a precious and valued commodity which will be earned through patience, vigilance, compassion, spiritual and behavioral changes, and living proof.

  • Where Am I Today?

    “Where Am I Today? What Do My Actions Say?”

    In working with people who are new in recovery, it is important to realize that our greatest asset – can also be our greatest downfall if we are not diligent in our own recovery. Our greatest asset is actually NOT our experience, strength and hope. We can share our experience, strength and hope and yet, be doing absolutely NOTHING to develop our spiritual growth, or if you will, “our own recovery”. Even more dangerous is that we may do our “song and dance” SO LONG that even “we” can no longer tell the true from the false of our actual circumstances.
    Indeed our greatest asset is in striving to put into practice through our actions, the principles of recovery, which we stand before others and share about. I believe there is no more powerful a tool in this life than to have someone truly “LIVING” the “strength and hope” of what we share so much about. The new person who listens to our stories often lives in one of two camps: (1) The one that desires hope and wants to believe what they are hearing; AND (2) The one that fears hope and wants to find the lie, the hypocrisy and the impossibility of it all. Indeed our words are quite a powerful tool which can stir the hearts of those who will listen. But a MUCH more important task lies before us….that being “how we LIVE OUT our words in our day to day lives.” None of us can live out perfect recovery, but we certainly can actively strive to pursue the growth and development of our spiritual condition by means of: (1) Seeking daily the direction of a Power greater than ourselves; (2) Surrendering our will for that of a Greater will; (3) Seeking out opportunities to be of service to our fellows and (4) Holding ourselves accountable to someone of our choosing. YES our greatest asset is when our actions reflect our words!

     Likewise, there is no greater disservice we can do to ourselves and to our fellows, (especially the newest among us), than for our actions to contradict our words. For it is in doing this, that the one who once found hope and belief upon hearing us speak…will likely endure the experience of disillusionment. Likewise the one so full of Doubt and Sinicism…will likely embrace the illusion confirming the impossibility that they held to so fearfully tight. Am I saying that ALL who experience this disappointment fall away into relapse or are never to be heard from again? NO…But am I saying that some will? Sadly the answer is “Yes indeed they will”.

     Working with new people in recovery is an awesome responsibility and not to be taken lightly. Is it possible that we will ALL wander from time to time – our steps found to be somewhat lacking, perhaps even hypocritical as compared to our words? ABSOLUTELY! That is simply part of being human. It is not in our mistakes that we bring harm to others, because we all have the ability to attain reconciliation with those whom we find fellowship. Our strength will be found in acknowledging our shortcomings to those around us…especially the new person and from there proceed forward in our own journey. It is in this example of putting our words into action, that the new person see’s first hand that recovery is NOT about perfection…but about how to live with our imperfections.

    © Rebecca Balko

  • Healing

    Healing

    Feelings of Guilt: Their Addiction Is Not Your Fault

    There’s nothing more defeating than feelings of guilt. The relationship that guilt has with shame, avoidance, and denial is dominating, especially when it comes to the life of a parent dealing with a child who suffers from addiction. Feelings Of Guilt It’s safe to assume nearly all parents of addicts can relate to feelings of guilt that have stemmed from not being able to help their child recover, but the truth is that no person can get an addict clean without them wanting recovery and doing the work. This is because addiction is a disease which means that the…

  • Ongoing Support

    Showing Support & Helping Your Loved One

    You are not responsible for your loved one’s recovery but your support is important.

    Family and friends typically want to provide active support after their loved one leaves treatment.  It is easy to do this when the newly recovering addict is doing what it takes to achieve sobriety: regular meeting attendance, working with a sponsor, developing a sober network of friends, and participating in their aftercare program.

    What if your loved one begins to slack off on their program of recovery?  Maybe they are associating with friends who use, they are attending fewer meetings, they have stopped taking their prescribed psychiatric medication, or they begin taking their sobriety for granted

    Family and friends may hesitate to overly-involve themselves in their loved ones recovery program.  They have been told they did not cause the persons addiction, nor can they cure or control it.  However, providing ongoing support and encouragement to the addict is perfectly acceptable.  This is one of the most important things friends and family can do whether their loved ones recovery process is right on track or they seem to be slacking and disconnected. 

    Here are a few ways you can provide support in your loved one’s recovery process:

    Educate yourself about addiction and the recovery process. You will be better prepared to recognize if your loved one shifts from solid to shaky recovery.

    Keep open the lines of communication and let your recovering loved one know they can talk to you if they are become feeling like they want to use or they become complacent in their recovery.

    If you live with the recovering addict, provide a sober environment. 

    Assist your recovering loved one when it comes to their recovery-related needs but try not to cross the line into old enabling behavior, such as paying their bills or agreeing with things they are doing when you really do not. Self-sufficiency is a key to sobriety.

    Remain interested in their recovery, especially their successes.  Let them know how proud and happy you are that they have turned their life around. Give credit where credit is due and recognize their diligence and commitment.

    Continue your own program of recovery with Alanon, Naranon, Alateen, along with family or individual counseling. If the recovering family member or friend quits going to 12-step meetings, or will not participate in family counseling, that does not mean you have to let up on your program. It is more important that you keep up on your own program for yourself, not for them. 

    Accept and understand the fact that they may opt to attend a 12-step meeting or recovery-related event instead of a family gathering. There are times when a meeting is crucial for a recovering addict:  when they want to go and when they do not want to go. Never stand in the way or discourage their attendance at meetings or participation in anything that benefits their recovery.

    If they do relapse, intervene and get them back to treatment. Get Help Now!

  • Acceptance

    Finding Peace While Your Child Struggles With Addiction

    When you’re a parent of an addict and/or alcoholic, finding peace when your child is suffering from the disease of addiction can seem impossible. There is however the hope that you can both find your way back to stabilization. Finding peace in the midst of chaos The idea of finding peace can provide relief, especially during extremely vulnerable times. Realistically, you shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether or not you’ve hugged your child for the last time. There’s no question your child’s addiction to alcohol and drugs has disrupted the relationship you share because the disease branches off…

  • Father’s Day: To The Children of Alcoholics

     

    As children of alcoholics, it can be difficult having an alcoholic father who is actively drinking, especially with Father’s Day coming up on June 21.  A father is supposed to be someone a child can count on for support and turn to when there is nowhere else to go.  These matters can grow complicated for children of alcoholics, who tend to feel left in the dark when their fathers care more for the drink than their children due to being wrapped around in selfishness of their disease.

    More: Adult Children Of Alcoholics

    Dealing with the Alcohol Father

    Children of alcoholics struggle to have an accurate depiction of an adequate and true father.  As if dealing with an alcoholic who is actively drinking isn’t difficult enough, holidays can be particularly rough because they are known for indulging more!  So how does a child who is struggling with an alcoholic father deal with his raging ways during the holiday?  With Father’s Day coming up, your alcoholic father may be in need of several situations being defused, so be careful not to add stress to an already heated situation and be on the lookout.  For example, a scenario where you are having a simple family dinner can easily escalate into chaos if a statement is misunderstood as judgement and an argument erupts.  An alcoholic often blows conversations and topics out of proportion, so beware by keeping on your toes.

    Looking back at the hole in the family

    Father’s Day can emphasize the fact that there’s a missing piece to your family, which can be devastating.  This goes to show how addiction is a family disease.  Alcohol hasn’t just impacted your father’s life, but it has branched out to affect yours and the entire family.  This Father’s Day could be filled with joy and freedom, but alcohol has got your father wrapped in a life of vicious tirades of lies, manipulation, and deceit.  There is hope for your loved one when you encourage them to reach out by seeking help for their alcoholism.  Alcoholism is an actual brain disease, not a moral dilemma.  This means that your father hasn’t deliberately been trying to fail you as a father but rather has been suffering from a true illness that requires treatment.

    What you can do

    This holiday should show you how valuable it is to have a father who could and should be present in your life.  If your father is active in their alcoholism, you should be open and honest by expressing your concerns about his drinking.  In a loving, caring, and concerned way, you can express how you feel he should seek help.  Tell him how you feel he should address the issue by seeking help through attending12-step fellowship meetings, reaching out to a treatment facility, or going to an outpatient service.

    The main point of Father’s Day is to appreciate your father.  Even though children of alcoholics may be frustrated with their fathers for not having been present during important moments in life, you can still enjoy the present moment to the best of your ability.  Try to see that your father isn’t a bad person but rather sick with a disease and in need of treatment for an actual illness.  People can and do recover from the grips of alcoholism every day when they are willing to put in the work on themselves.

    Need help with a loved one who can’t stay clean and sober? Contact Us Now! You do not have do this alone. We can help.

     

  • Finding Peace While Your Child Struggles With Addiction

    Finding Peace While Your Child Struggles With Addiction

     

    When you’re a parent of an addict and/or alcoholic, finding peace when your child is suffering from the disease of addiction can seem impossible.  There is however the hope that you can both find your way back to stabilization. 

    Finding peace in the midst of chaos

    The idea of finding peace can provide relief, especially during extremely vulnerable times.  Realistically, you shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether or not you’ve hugged your child for the last time.  There’s no question your child’s addiction to alcohol and drugs has disrupted the relationship you share because the disease branches off to affect the entire family.

    Let go of the anger

    Setting aside anger may be difficult.  You may not want to do it because you may feel your anger is justified but holding onto the anger isn’t going to change anything.  It will only amplify negativity.  You won’t be finding peace any more than you will be on your way to living happy, joyous, or free.  Instead you will be caging yourself like an animal and keeping yourself locked in chains.  The past is gone.  It’s over and done with.  Now is the time to live and let live.  Your child’s addiction is not your fault, so you shouldn’t be angry at yourself or them for suffering from an actual illness.  You must accept what you simply cannot change, focus on what can be changed through taking action such as seeking treatment to recover, and stop burning up energy foolishly by being angry to instead convert energy more productively into something far more positive for both of your own well-beings.

    Be positive

    If your child is struggling with addiction and not ready or willing to recover from their disease, then staying supportive by reinforcing positive behaviors can assist in helping to push them forward along the way since it can act as a motivator for change.  It’s unfortunate but depending on the age of your child, if your child isn’t willing to put in the effort by working a program of recovery, then there’s realistically only so much you can do for your child when you’ve already intervened, stopped enabling them, cut off financial ties, and provided suggestions for treatment options.  This doesn’t mean recovery is hopeless for your child!  Stay positive about your child recovering.

    Live your life

    There’s no room for codependency in your life when your child is suffering from an addiction.  This can be the ultimate destruction for you finding peace.  If your child is in recovery for their addiction, they have begun chasing after and embracing their newfound life, just as you should too.  Not only will you have more motivation and passion for your life, but you will set a great example for your child.  You deserve to live a rich and fulfilling life!  Remember that addiction is a disease, affecting all members of the family.  It can leave an emotional toll on you.  Immersing your energy into a favorite pastime can help you create a life for yourself.

    Finding peace can be challenging for anyone, especially parents of addicted children.  Not only is it possible for alcoholics and addicts to recover, but it’s also probable for you as parents to overcome a life of turmoil to live peacefully.

    Need more help? Click here or here. 

    Family Resources

    Al-Anon

    Nar-Anon

    CoDA 

     

  • Mothers in Recovery: How To Put Your Recovery First

    Mothers in Recovery: How To Put Your Recovery First

     

    There’s no denying how difficult it can be for both mothers in recovery and those who are aiming to achieve sobriety.  Recovery is possible, even for you as a mother.  Though the idea of leaving your children and/or husband may sound difficult and maintaining a program of recovery can be overwhelming during motherhood, both will end up benefiting you and your family because you will actually be able to present for your loved ones.

    Mothers in Recovery

    Parenting is difficult alone but when combatting sobriety is thrown into the mix, it can become even more of a challenge.  Mothers in recovery certainly don’t have it easy to say the least, especially when you may not want to leave your children and/or husbands to go off into an alcohol and/or drug rehabilitation treatment center to recover.  Keep in mind that you wouldn’t be leaving your family permanently and that you are going away temporarily to get better.  If you had any other type of illness, you wouldn’t stay with your family and refuse treatment because you didn’t want to leave them; you would head right on over to recover so that you could get better as soon as possible and get back to being present with your family.

    Time for recovery

    An issue of concern for most mothers in recovery is finding the time to recover.  This is where mothers like you might stumble into misguided thinking; you should be making time for your recovery program.  The harsh reality is that anything an alcoholic and/or addict places before recovery will ultimately be lost.  Recovery HAS to come first!  This doesn’t mean you should neglect family responsibilities, but it does mean you should be making sure you are viewing treatment as the priority it is.  This means going to rehab, going to meetings, keeping in contact with a sponsor, and working on your program.  You could get connected with a specific Twelve-Step Fellowship meeting for mothers and/or parents so that you know its okay to bring your young children with you to the meeting, or if you have no other option, you may just have to bring your young children with you.  Another option could be trying to find care for your children during that specific meeting time during the week and make the commitment to attend that meeting regularly.  If your children are older and in school, then a great suggestion for you could be to attend meetings and handle recovery-related tasks during this duration when they are pre-occupied.

    Reasons behind substance use explored

    Mothers in recovery should be prepared to look at the reasons why they were resorting to drinking in the first place.  Drinking excessively and/or abusing other substances can be linked to having to combat major stressors.  For example, single mothers can face difficulties regularly if they struggle with finances, finding care for their children, and/or can’t provide as much as they would like.  Even mothers who are married with children still face challenges that might have led them to pick up drinking and/or abusing drugs, such as feeling overwhelmed with marital problems, house care, depression, anxiety, and/or work.  Having discussions with the family and/or professionals can help to alleviate some of this distress.

    Whether you are struggling leaving for treatment or adjusting to your life as one of mothers in recovery and trying to find an adequate balance, motherhood may be tough but it’s worth it when you can experience it sober.

     

  • Letting Go Of Unrealistic Expectations

    Setting unrealistic expectations for your loved one in recovery from an addiction to alcohol and/or drugs by constantly pushing them to reach impossibly high standards that no human could possibly meet isn’t practical.  Surrendering complete control might not arise as such a simple matter but the process of the action may gradually allow you an exit from the insanity as you migrate from being so strict on standards for yourself and your loved one.  You’re not in control and the sooner you can stop trying to mandate how you think your life and your loved one’s life should look, the sooner you can reconfigure your perception so that you’re content with the way life is no matter what circumstance you and your loved one are in.  When you continue to set high expectations for you and your loved one that you know you both cannot meet, you easily set yourself up for failure because you may find reality doesn’t match these unrealistic expectations, which can leave you in great disappointment.

    Unrealistic Expectations

    Preventing yourself from creating unrealistic expectations for you and your loved one begins with noticing them.  How do you know when you have set the bar too high for your loved one in recovery?  Putting too much pressure on your loved one’s recovery process and setting unrealistic expectations even for you as a support system can overlap with a perfectionist attitude and relay signs of codependency.  It can seem like all matters have to be nothing but the absolute best because anything less than this is unacceptable in your eyes.  When you become centrally focused and obsessive in a mindset like this, you can easily get consumed in disillusionment.  Not everything you do is going to be perfect as an encouraging supporter for your loved one, so staying stuck frustrated over what you can and cannot do to help them may not necessarily be beneficial if you continue to wrap your mind around it nonstop.  It’s much better to shift focus on acknowledgment by seeing successes rather than areas of failures.  Try seeing where you know you are able to help without enabling or being codependent.  Don’t be so hard on yourself by acts of diminishment over where you feel you may have failed.  Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives can prove to provide a far greater mindset as a result versus setting yourself up for these unrealistic expectations in the perfectionistic mindset.  By putting pressure on yourself and your loved one to achieve these goals that are so high they wind up meeting criteria near unachievable, you crush the ability of accomplishing real dreams and can prevent future successes while instilling hopelessness within.  Sometimes you can tell you have set yourself up for failure when you have an idea initiated in your mind of how an event will go.  If you’ve been living in your head more than down on in Earth in reality, it’s a warning sign you may be in over your head.

     Recovery from Addiction

    Your loved one may have their own unrealistic expectations in recovery, which can be extremely overbearing for them to initially be combatting.  Naturally they may want relief from their obsession to drink and/or use drugs to be removed instantaneously like the snap of a finger and although this can happen right away for some in early stages of their recovery process, it may take longer for others.  It’s unrealistic to set a time and a date of when the obsession to abuse substances should be removed.  Remembering your loved one didn’t become addicted in one day and that recovery is a process helps because it may take some time to get to a place where they are more comfortable in their recovery.  This is why it’s necessary for your loved one to identify with others instead of compare.  If you’re loved one is busy comparing, segregation may occur.  This puts placement of people as greater than or less than according to their perception, which is unjust.  In recovery, it can be seen that people don’t have to be compared and that each individual has the common bond of the disease of addiction to relate to.