Lives in Recovery

Author: livesadmin

  • Letting Go Of Unrealistic Expectations

    Setting unrealistic expectations for your loved one in recovery from an addiction to alcohol and/or drugs by constantly pushing them to reach impossibly high standards that no human could possibly meet isn’t practical.  Surrendering complete control might not arise as such a simple matter but the process of the action may gradually allow you an exit from the insanity as you migrate from being so strict on standards for yourself and your loved one.  You’re not in control and the sooner you can stop trying to mandate how you think your life and your loved one’s life should look, the sooner you can reconfigure your perception so that you’re content with the way life is no matter what circumstance you and your loved one are in.  When you continue to set high expectations for you and your loved one that you know you both cannot meet, you easily set yourself up for failure because you may find reality doesn’t match these unrealistic expectations, which can leave you in great disappointment.

    Unrealistic Expectations

    Preventing yourself from creating unrealistic expectations for you and your loved one begins with noticing them.  How do you know when you have set the bar too high for your loved one in recovery?  Putting too much pressure on your loved one’s recovery process and setting unrealistic expectations even for you as a support system can overlap with a perfectionist attitude and relay signs of codependency.  It can seem like all matters have to be nothing but the absolute best because anything less than this is unacceptable in your eyes.  When you become centrally focused and obsessive in a mindset like this, you can easily get consumed in disillusionment.  Not everything you do is going to be perfect as an encouraging supporter for your loved one, so staying stuck frustrated over what you can and cannot do to help them may not necessarily be beneficial if you continue to wrap your mind around it nonstop.  It’s much better to shift focus on acknowledgment by seeing successes rather than areas of failures.  Try seeing where you know you are able to help without enabling or being codependent.  Don’t be so hard on yourself by acts of diminishment over where you feel you may have failed.  Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives can prove to provide a far greater mindset as a result versus setting yourself up for these unrealistic expectations in the perfectionistic mindset.  By putting pressure on yourself and your loved one to achieve these goals that are so high they wind up meeting criteria near unachievable, you crush the ability of accomplishing real dreams and can prevent future successes while instilling hopelessness within.  Sometimes you can tell you have set yourself up for failure when you have an idea initiated in your mind of how an event will go.  If you’ve been living in your head more than down on in Earth in reality, it’s a warning sign you may be in over your head.

     Recovery from Addiction

    Your loved one may have their own unrealistic expectations in recovery, which can be extremely overbearing for them to initially be combatting.  Naturally they may want relief from their obsession to drink and/or use drugs to be removed instantaneously like the snap of a finger and although this can happen right away for some in early stages of their recovery process, it may take longer for others.  It’s unrealistic to set a time and a date of when the obsession to abuse substances should be removed.  Remembering your loved one didn’t become addicted in one day and that recovery is a process helps because it may take some time to get to a place where they are more comfortable in their recovery.  This is why it’s necessary for your loved one to identify with others instead of compare.  If you’re loved one is busy comparing, segregation may occur.  This puts placement of people as greater than or less than according to their perception, which is unjust.  In recovery, it can be seen that people don’t have to be compared and that each individual has the common bond of the disease of addiction to relate to.

  • What Is Codependency? 5 Patterns from Codependent Relationships

    Have you ever wondered what codependency is? With Valentine’s Day coming up, you might be anxious over whether your relationship is healthy or instead in jeopardy due to having a complete misinterpretation on the idea of love.

    What Is Codependency?

    What is codependency really? There are five main patterns that can be pulled out from codependent relationships: denial, low self esteem, compliance, control, and avoidance. By learning about these categories that best describe what is codependency and how it can stem later on in a relationship; you should be able to get a clearer image of what an unhealthy codependent relationship may look like.

    Denial

    The individual suffering from codependency issues with a pattern of denial will have trouble deciphering their feelings. They may struggle to understand their emotions and put them into words. This could mean they’re dependent on other people to explain how they feel. These types of codependents can tend to lessen, change, and deny the authentic nature of their feelings when they do know what they genuinely feel as a way to manipulate their partners into coinciding. When denial is involved as the pattern of a codependency issue, dishonesty can become a great pressing issue of concern.

    Low self-esteem

    Many codependency traits can stem from having a low self-esteem, making this pattern prime. People with this pattern tend to be indecisive and constantly criticize themselves in harsh judgement. They typically view themselves as never being good enough. Because they view themselves lowly, they may commonly rebuke any type of appraisal from others and yet paradoxically, they may strive for acceptance of the people around them.

    Compliance

    Codependents who struggle with the compliancy dynamic fear being authentic. They are keen on hiding their true thoughts and feelings while going the extra mile to please others. To avoid being turned down, they will settle their own beliefs.

    Control

    Control is largely involved in patterns of codependency relationships. This category of individuals is constantly trying to persuade other people to see matters their way. They often give people their advice without being asked and can grow upset when it isn’t taken. Blaming and placing shame on others to manipulate the situation but then using charm to come off caring can be their typical fashion to get what they want from others.

    Avoidance

    Avoiding codependents welcome others into their life that they know will turn against them to shame and reject them. They are harsh critics of others. With the tendency to repress their emotions, these codependents fear being vulnerable. They are likely to bring people toward them, only to quickly push them right away.

    So what is codependency when it comes to relationships? There are different patterns and traits that add up to the composition of codependent people. Codependent relationships are unhealthy because either one person and sometimes both people involved have issues going on that should be brought to the surface to be dealt with instead of kept at bay. When the matters are pushed down, it only dampens the relationship. This can cause a lack of a healthy understanding in proper boundaries in other interpersonal relationships, general low self worth, dependency to alternative sources like alcohol and/or other drugs, and intimacy issues. Understanding that there are five main patterns can help in the process of identifying specific types of codependency, so that you can take a better look at what is codependency.

    Do you think you might be suffering from codependency? Look up Codependents Anonymous meetings near you.

     

     

     

     

  • Common Questions Loved Ones Have About Recovery

    Common Questions Loved Ones Have About Recovery

    There are several common questions that may arise for those who have someone close to them dealing with a drug and/or alcohol addiction. When these matters can be addressed up front, the family and friends of the addict can have more knowledge of how to better handle the disease they are dealing with. When they know how to react and cope with the severity of the illness they are faced to combat, they can come together in unity to further support to the process of the addict’s recovery.

    Addressing Common Questions of Addiction

    How is addiction a disease?

    One of the most common questions asked and debated by professionals, society, families, and even addicts themselves, is the question about regarding how addiction is an illness. Addiction has officially been defined as a chronic brain disease because of the obsessive compulsion that the individual experiences when they are unable to stop acting out on the behavior in spite of negative consequences and continue repeating this vicious pattern uncontrollably. It needs to be continued to be viewed as the mental illness that it truly is.

    What purpose do meetings have and how long will the addict have to attend them?

    The focus is not so much on the attendance of the meetings, but on the program and principles of the message itself behind them. Fellowships allow alcoholics and/or addicts a solution to recover from their common problem. As far as the length of time is concerned, your loved one who is suffering from the disease of addiction may have to attend these meetings regularly because at these meetings they are encouraged that they can only stay away from the crutch that alcohol and/or drugs provide “one day at a time,” meaning that they only receive a daily reprieve. In other words, they get their daily dose of medicine by attending these meetings and working a solid program by maintaining it.

    If they were addicted to drugs only, can they still drink alcohol?

    Many addicts have this as one of common questions because they are quick to view alcohol as separate from drugs but alcohol is a drug and this should not be confused. Alcohol is a mind-altering substance and an addict susceptible to that same allergy, which is the adverse reaction to these chemicals that cause the compulsion for the individual to continually use them uncontrollably because ultimately they are powerless over when they pick up that first substance. Even if you don’t think your loved one had a problem with alcohol, the point is that alcohol is a substance and your loved one suffers from the disease of addiction, so they cannot afford to be tampering with the unleashing of the beast that may awaken when playing games of substituting one substance for another.

    When will my loved one be cured?

    Addiction is a disease with no known cure, but it is treatable. Recovery is a process where individuals may face challenges, which is why they should remain humble and vigilant.

    Is your loved one hanging on by a thread and yearning for that next drink and/or drug? Contact The Watershed for help today because help can be found so that it is possible for your loved one to achieve a new life in recovery and live free from the prison of addiction.

    Need more support?

    Al-Anon – support group for those who are affected by problem drinkers.

    Nar-Anon – support group for those who are affected by drug abusers.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Alcoholism is a Disease

    Alcoholism is a Disease

    The 12 steps of Al-anon begin with the first one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable. Or as someone once said, admitted we were powerless over people, places, things and situations.

    I never realized that what I was dealing with was alcoholism. I had been so focused on my loved ones behavior and all that it was doing to the family, I thought the drinking was just a side issue. I thought that my loved one was using the alcohol as an excuse to do and behave the way he wanted to and trying to get out of the consequences. I did not realize that NOT Drinking wasn’t an option for him. I was dealing with an Alcoholic which I always thought was an excuse for someone that really couldn’t handle their liquor. I had no idea it was an actual disease!

    When I came into Al-anon I was introduced to the disease concept that my loved one suffered from. I was told that he has a disease that affects him physically, mentally and spiritually. That once the spiritual part was cleared up he could recover in the other areas. He was unable to stop for any length of time due to the obsession of the mind for alcohol that blocks out all sound reasoning. And once he put the alcohol into his system he was what they called allergic to it and he would be off on another spree. Not by choice this was just what happened to someone that was a REAL Alcoholic.

    So when I came into Al-anon and read that first step and listened to what the others were saying, suddenly all the insanity began to make a little sense. It didn’t change the situation any, not at all, but it did give ME something that I hadn’t had before. It allowed me to see that an alcoholic is someone who is sick and in need of understanding and encouragement every bit as much as I needed it to begin my own recovery.

    Learning about the Disease of Alcoholism really helped me to begin to focus on myself and my own spiritual growth rather than focusing on the alcoholic in my life or anyone else’s behavior, but my own. Hence my journey into Al-anon and the 12 steps began. The 12 steps taught me that if I do my part to clean up my side of the street, I will gain a measure of serenity, regardless of the chaos around me.

  • Parents of Addicts: Your Child’s Addiction Is Not Your Fault

    Parents of Addicts: Your Child’s Addiction Is Not Your Fault

     

    Being parents of addicts is a matter that most families didn’t quite anticipate even imagining to happen to them until it was made full-blown aware that the disease of addiction was causing their child to act out so outrageously.  While some families get torn apart and others remain together though distraught, either way, they encounter the battle to save their child’s life.  On top of this, parents often accumulate cycling thoughts of self-doubt and remorseful guilt as they question whether their child’s addiction had something to do with them.  Learning to cope with your child’s addiction is a tricky matter, but rest assured that it is not your fault and that you just need to find some acceptance.

    Parents of Addicts

    Guilt is uncomfortable and unpleasant.  As parents of addicts, you’re probably already overwhelmed with the extremity of where addiction has brought your child and you don’t need any feelings of guilt to additionally topple over that.  The truth is that nothing that you did caused or would have prevented your child’s addiction.  You need to understand that this addiction is not a choice and that they are powerless over that drug.  Your child did not wish to be an addict any more than you wished to be the parent of one.

    Dealing with Pain

    You probably saw the life you knew with your child changed drastically.  Maybe there’s not a specific day you can remember when you realized you didn’t recognize your child anymore, but looking back on it you could probably recall a slew of instances in which your child echoed verbally aggressive, disruptive, defensive, or isolative behavior leading up to the complete personality change that drugs ultimately took as an effect on their life.  The world you lived and the child you knew suddenly were completely different, but you have to understand that this was not by your doings and that no love could have stopped their addiction cycle.  It can be devastating when you dwell on the past and who your child was, so just focus on the fact that the beloved little child you knew is sick and that you need to help them get better by supporting them and seeking treatment for them to get better.

    It can be extremely difficult when you are playing the blame game and backtracking in your mind where you went wrong as parents of addicts, but the truth is that you didn’t necessarily go wrong anywhere.  Your child has a disease and the addiction was inevitable after that first drug.  Allowing yourself to be freed from the guilt is okay.  Your family can make it through the peril that the disease of addiction has caused, but the more that you cast blame on yourself, the more you will unrightfully resent yourself for something that you simply had no control over.  Do what you can now as a parent and be by your child’s side during this difficult time.

    If you need more support and would like help in coping with your child’s addiction, we can help. The Watershed’s Family Outreach program can help support you during this difficult time of healing and recovery. Click here for more information: The Watershed Family Outreach Program 

    Looking for more? Click here: If Prevention Can’t Stop Addiction

    If you are unsure of what to do about your child’s addiction, call The Watershed today at 1-877-975-4837.  Let us help you get your child’s life back on track.

     

  • Arguing with a Disease

    Arguing with a Disease

    The first line of the Serenity Prayer says, “God, GRANT me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” which indicates to me, that serenity is not something that comes from within, but something that has to be given to me.

    For me, serenity began when I finally began to learn to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me.

    I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference or assistance! The key to serenity is acceptance. But “acceptance” does not mean that I have to like it, or condone it or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it, and I have to accept that. I MUST accept it!

    Arguing with a Disease

    I spent years trying to change the alcoholics in my life. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, bribed and generally tried all I could to make the situation better only watch as the situation grew progressively worse only to hang on while the abuse progressed and the pain increased.

    For me, acceptance came when I finally realized that I was dealing with a disease. Somebody told me, “You can’t argue with a disease.” That helped me change my attitude about the problem. It freed me up from the “responsibility” of trying to do the impossible, from trying to control the uncontrollable.

    I finally realized that it was NOT MY JOB to change someone else. That acceptance alone has brought me a great deal of serenity that was never there before, but was granted to me by the help and friendship I have been privileged to enjoy in Al-Anon… and a power greater than myself.

  • How To Start Supporting And Stop Enabling An Addict

    How To Start Supporting And Stop Enabling An Addict

    Enabling simply means “to make something possible,” and can sometimes be confused with support. Having a loved one suffer from the disease of addiction is an issue all on its own, but it can become especially exhausting when you find yourself regularly fretting over the question of whether or not you are enabling or supporting them.

    Enable Vs. Support

    A majority of people commonly associate the meaning of enable with the addict’s relationships with others, most particularly of which include their parents, children, siblings, or significant other. The closer the relationship is, the more difficult it can be to stray away from enabling and sometimes even notice when it’s occurring. When it comes to being aware of when you may be enabling your loved one’s addiction, you should know that what may work for some people, may not end up working for you.

    Many families are trained to cut all ties when their loved one refuses help and continues on with their drug abuse. They are told to do this so that the addict will reach a bottom low enough to prompt them to seek help by choice. This can be particularly rough for parents to do this to their children, but in some cases, there are just no other viable options. Since it can be challenging to strengthen your role as a parent by giving your children the ultimatum of seeking treatment or “figuring it out” on their own, less extreme actions can be taken to reduce enabling their addiction. For instance, no longer financially supporting or cleaning up after your child may give them an extra nudge to take some responsibility in their life. If nothing else, it will make them have to put greater effort toward financing their habit and create more visible unmanageability. In some cases, this may make matters worse by putting strain on the entire family. If this happens, you may find it beneficial to reach out for external professional help. Helping your child into treatment is considered the best form of support and should not be viewed as enabling.

    Addiction Affects The Entire Family

    If you are a concerned family member of an addict and are worried about enabling them, it may be best to stage an intervention along with other family members as well. If they have been staying with you and continuing to use their drug of choice, you may feel it’s best to let them know that if they don’t put an effort into cleaning up their act, then they should find somewhere else to stay. You should not be covering up for them or correcting their mistakes. Not only does this prolong their use, but it makes the continuation of their use easier. If an addict doesn’t run into any problems that stem from the result of using, why would they ever feel inclined to stop?

    Significant Other of Addict

    Even just believing your loved one’s lies can quickly transcend toward the meaning of enable. When their excuses become questionable and you choose to let it slide when there is more than reasonable doubt, you give them the power to take advantage of you. When the addict knows they can easily manipulate, they will keep doing this because there is no consequence for their actions. It can be heartbreaking and downright difficult to confront your loved one’s problem, but you have to stand up to them or risk being of assistance to their sickness by not being proactive in reducing the madness.

    Codependency and Enabling

    Many people close with an addict fail to realize that they are inclined to continue enabling the one they love most because they themselves are in an unhealthy codependent relationship with the addict. The meaning of enable is hard to entirely grasp because you may not clearly see how helping them is actually hurting them. You may also be unaware in seeing how badly someone is truly suffering. This could be because you want them to be the good person you perceive them to be. After all, you may figure ignorance is bliss, but that alone is enabling them because you don’t want to see the problem that their addiction really is.

    If you are unsure if you are enabling or supporting your loved one’s addiction, you can talk to one of our addiction specialists today for more information. 1-877-975-4837.

    Is your loved one sober, but still acting out in addictive behaviors? Click here: Enabling The Personality of An Addict or Alcoholic.

     

  • “Addicts” vs. “Users”

    Why is it that some people can use drugs and stop, and others use once and struggle for the rest of their lives trying to stop and/or denying they have a problem? The difference between “real drug addicts” and those we in the recovery world call “drug users,” is the reason the person is using to begin with. A drug user uses because it is fun and relaxing and they are able – for the most part – to control the amount they use. Sometimes a drug user may encounter a consequence to their use and will then make a decision to stop. As for the real drug addict, they are using to quiet their mind and fill the emptiness within their soul that allows them to feel normal. That emptiness is what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls a spiritual malady. At this point, the drug addict feels as if he has arrived and found the missing key. He will then persistently chase that first high and will never again be able to regain the sense of ease and comfort he once did from his first encounter with his drug of choice. No matter what his experiences, good or bad, may be in his journey through his addiction, the drug addict will maintain an obsession that they will one day be able to figure out how to regain that peaceful encounter they once had. This is what we call the obsession of the mind. Leaving behind all things that mean anything is sometimes a huge consequence these addicted types will elect rather than choosing to get clean.

    Those that do have an experience with getting clean often cannot withstand the amount of guilt and shame they endure for the decisions made during their sprees, and will turn right back to using once again. This return to using sets off what is known to be a phenomenon of craving, which is an insatiable desire for more that can never be fulfilled. This is why a program of action is imperative for the real addict. Getting a sponsor and working the steps will allow them to see life with new eyes, filling the emptiness with a higher power instead of drugs. Sounds like a strange exchange – drugs for God – but it has worked for millions, and continues to work for anyone willing to put forth the effort necessary.

    A drug user has a choice whether or not they will use drugs again, but the drug addict has at some point lost that power of choice and will use again. Not because they have no will power, not because they don’t love you, but because they have no choice and use drugs as the only solution they know to combat the unbearable feelings within. Recovery offers the drug addict a new solution to every aspect of their life that works. Recovery is possible for anyone that can be honest that the drug solution just does not work.

  • Why Do Children Use Drugs?

    The reason children use drugs ranges from simple to complex. Here are a few of the most common reasons children pick up a drug:

    Peer pressure: Young people may give in to pressures from other kids to try drugs. They may use a drug to feel like part of the crowd, or to act grown-up.

    Pleasure: Some teenagers say they take drugs to feel good.

    Curiosity or Experimentation: At first, teenagers may be tempted to try a drug to find out for themselves what it is like. Usually people who use a drug for this reason do not continue use for long periods of time.

    Boredom: If they lack outside activities and interests after school, young people may want to try something new and exciting. The 9:00 to 3:30 routine may be as boring to children as the 9:00 to 5:00 routine is for many adults.

    Self-esteem: Young people, as well as adults, often use drugs to try to feel more confident about themselves. Drugs seem to make them feel more important and powerful.

    Coping with stress: Many young people have not fully developed their problem-solving skills. Some of them use drugs to help cope with problems at school, in the family, and with social relationships.

    Escapism: Drugs appear to make things better than they really are. Problems don’t seem as real or important.

    Rebellion: Since most adults do not approve of drug use among children, young people may use drugs to rebel against parents or teachers.

    Mental illness: Drug use may be an indicator of underlying mental illness.

  • Codependency

    Defining Codependency

    Codependency is an excessive psychological or emotional dependence on a person. Typically a codependent person attaches themselves to those suffering from an illness, whether it is emotional, mental, or physical.

    Many times codependency, or codependent, is used to describe someone who is dealing with a person who suffers from drug addiction and/or alcoholism.

    More Information as it relates to codependency?

    Dysfunctional Family Roles: Growing Up With Addiction

    Are You In Love Or Lust?

    Defining Codependency

    Am I Codependent?

    Understanding Codependency: What is Codependency?

    Codependents usually display patterns that can be quickly identified if the person is being honest with themselves – they are: denial, low self-esteem, complacent, controlling, and avoidance. How do I know if I have these patterns? Click here: Codependent Patterns.

    Where can I get help for Codependency? CoDA: Co-Dependents Anonymous

    There is hope and recovery for codependency, but you have to first admit there is a problem before you can fix it. Find Codependents Anonymous Meeting now: CoDA Meeting Locator.