Lives in Recovery

Author: livesadmin

  • Dealing With Father’s Day When You’re In Recovery

    Dealing With Father’s Day When You’re In Recovery

    Holidays can be extremely tough for addicts, especially when it is a holiday addressed specifically to families.  Days that are supposed to be filled with the joy of being around family and bringing one another together in unity can be a bit overwhelming for anyone, but when you’re in recovery, it can be exasperatingly triggering and even downright upsetting.  It’s not uncommon that, as addicts, we tend to take every emotion to its absolute extreme.  Whether the terms you are on with your family are good, bad, or anything in between, you should try to make the most of the holiday and focus on the more positive aspects of it, even if it means reaching out of your comfort zone.  Father’s Day, which is coming up this weekend, can be particularly rough. 

    Are you a father?

    Maybe you worry that your children are disappointed in you.  First off, your number one priority needs to be your recovery, even when you feel that other matters, like your children, are more valuable because ultimately, anything you put before your sobriety, you can and will lose anyway.  You also need to remember that you are not a disappointment, especially at this point when you are working towards a healthier lifestyle, not just for yourself but for your family as well.  If it seems like your children are not proud of you now, try to focus on that as motivation to do the next right thing.  Maybe this will bring you more dedication to staying sober in order to be the person you were meant to be for your family.

    On the other hand, maybe your children are your biggest fans in your life right now, rooting for you to be the best you can possibly be.  If you are away from your children because you are away in treatment, it can still be saddening though.  Just keep doing what you are doing and remember that there will always be the next year and more holidays coming up this year to spend with your loving, supportive family.

    Are you a son?

    If you are in treatment and away from your father, who you are on decent terms with, on a day dedicated to him, you could be feeling a little bit of guilt.  Your best option is to call or write to him and wish him a happy Father’s Day, if you are able to.  It is important to remind yourself that you are in the process of bettering yourself and that even though you may not be with your father for the holiday it is in both of your best interests to take care of yourself.

    However, it is possible that you have more of a complex relationship with your father.  Every family situation is different, but if both you and your father are committed to working out your problems little by little, your relationship will get better over time.  For now, it would be a great gesture to at least wish your father a nice holiday, even if you feel he may not want to speak with you or you are not comfortable reaching out to him.  Try to contact him with an open mind because regardless of the past, he is still your father and the gesture is appropriate.

    Family relationships can be everything from loving to problematic. A lot of unexpected feelings can come into play during the holidays revolving around your family dynamic.  No matter which situation describes you best, being in recovery allows you the privilege to grow into the best you possible and over time through your actions, you will be able to show your family that you can be unselfish, accountable, and respectful.  Keep in mind that positive attributes don’t just arrive when you take away the drugs and/or alcohol, but better yet can be developed through the lifelong process of recovery.

  • What to Do If You Relapsed

    Not all people embarking on the journey of recovery get and stay sober the first time. Relapse can be a part of recovery; even though it does not have to be, it is a reality for some. If you do relapse, there is only one thing to do, and that is to get honest with yourself, man up and fight through the shame and the guilt, get yourself to a meeting, and be honest with those who understand. If relapse does become part of your story, and you find you are in need of medical attention, make sure you take the proper steps in order to safely detox and regain a healthy status. Some may have a better result from entering into a treatment facility, but if that is not possible, do not allow that to deter you from recovering.

    Many people die during a relapse, and several others stay out for years or even decades after a small detour. It is not worth it. So much of your life can be destroyed over time if you do not take immediate action.

    All that matters after a relapse is that you do something about it as soon as possible. Making future promises to get back into the routine of recovery is not a good idea, and is a set up for prolonging the inevitable that can last for days, months and even years. Recovery is a program of action. You must be willing to take this action or it just gets harder and harder to turn your life around.

    If you have relapsed, cut your losses immediately. Your goal is to get sober again and live happy, joyous, and free. Forget about saving face or trying to hide the fact that you need help. Remember you are not a bad person – you suffer from a disease that wants you dead. Alcoholics and addicts get drunk and high; sobriety is the rare thing for people like us. So swallow your pride and remind yourself the goal is to stay alive at this point. Remember that from a physical perspective, relapse always gets worse in terms of the chemical reactions in your body. Your tolerance changes, and studies have even shown how your disease progresses, even while you were not using drugs or alcohol. Many people die from addiction due to relapse, not just from years of continuous abuse, but from the shame and the guilt that drives further using after a relapse.

    Take immediate action. You have to get honest with your support – those people who understand what it is like to struggle with the disease of addiction – and quickly. If treatment is needed, discuss your options with your family and support system. Move quickly before you change your mind. Most importantly, remember you are not alone in this. Most of us have relapsed and know what it’s like to be where you are. Make the decision to go to any lengths all over again and stick to it. Remember how you got there, let yourself off the hook, and recover. This is now part of your story – that’s all. Just another way to carry the message of hope, faith and courage to the one who is still sick and suffering!

  • H.O.P.E.

    Hang On Peace Exists

    It was one of my first AA meetings I was actually still in treatment and feeling completely restless, irritable, and discontent. Though I had no idea what that was. I just couldn’t hold still and felt as if the world was not just staring at me, but judging me, and I was failing miserably. There was a woman sitting next to me that couldn’t help but notice my constant movement. She leaned over and asked me this simple question. “Do you know what hope means?” I couldn’t respond; just stared. Then she proceeded to tell me with a wink and a smile, “Hang on Peace Exists!”

  • Peer Support

    Recovery Talk: What Does Living In The Solution Mean?

    Even when you come out of the pit of your addiction, there’s no guarantee that you are home free from all pain and suffering. There’s nothing you can do but just try to endure any suffering that may come your way because let’s face it – life is beautiful but it can also seem like one big, complicated mess. It’s a paradox because events can arise that seem senseless, hurtful, and downright unacceptable. As an alcoholic and/or addict, you cannot be the one declaring these circumstances as passable according to your own judgement because ultimately it’s not up to…

  • Awakening

    Alcohol and Drug Addiction: I Am My Problem

    I remember sometime after being admitted to the hospital for treatment of my chemical addiction I believed that drugs and booze were my problem and that once I was free of them, I would be “just fine”. I mean it made sense didn’t it? Prior to drinking and drugging I had some problems…who doesn’t? But overall, I didn’t get REALLY messed up behaviorally until I started using. So upon entering treatment and the fog beginning to lift slightly, I got my first glimpse at the disaster, otherwise known as “Rebecca” and summarized that it should be easily fixed, all I needed to do…

  • Awakening

    Alcohol and Drug Addiction: I Am My Problem

    I remember sometime after being admitted to the hospital for treatment of my chemical addiction I believed that drugs and booze were my problem and that once I was free of them, I would be “just fine”. I mean it made sense didn’t it? Prior to drinking and drugging I had some problems…who doesn’t? But overall, I didn’t get REALLY messed up behaviorally until I started using. So upon entering treatment and the fog beginning to lift slightly, I got my first glimpse at the disaster, otherwise known as “Rebecca” and summarized that it should be easily fixed, all I needed to do…

  • Recovery for the Holidays

    Recovery for the Holidays

    Can you feel it? Temperatures dropping as the fall winds usher in our winter season. The faint aroma of chimney smoke as it escapes into the night air. Sweaters retrieved from summer hibernation, soft with encompassing warmth. Snuggling up to the one you love with popcorn and a soft blanket for a night of movies. The wafting smell of hot cocoa as it rests between your hands, causing your senses to anticipate that warm chocolate heaven rolling across your pallet. Enjoying the feeling of being completely enveloped under a billowy down comforter; the warmth of which escorts you into a blissful night’s sleep. The joy of a favorite winter chili or stew, which never fails to provide lingering warmth in the belly. Or the excitement of college football, and anticipation of the playoffs drawing closer. Yes, these are but a few of the experiences we all have in one form or another, igniting in our conscious minds a reminder that the holiday season is drawing ever near.

    For some, this leads to a sense of joy, excitement and anticipation, while for others it evokes feelings of anxiety, guilt or remorse due to the memory of holidays past where active addiction/alcoholism may have caused undo pain and ruin for those whom we love and have held most dear. This pain can cause feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or even relapse. But no matter what feelings or circumstances are being experienced as the approaching holidays arrive, for all of us a genuine gladness and gratitude can be embraced. Feelings of loneliness replaced with connectedness, hopelessness replaced instead with hopefulness, and thoughts of relapse replaced with the miracle of life and recovery. One might ask, “How is gladness and gratitude possible in the midst of such struggles?” Well, we need only look at the immediate blessings that exist before us.

    Let’s start with the good news – this is a NEW season. The years past are just that; they are now “seasons gone by”. Recovery affords us the opportunity to have a “do over,” or to “start anew”. The past holiday season could have been absolutely terrible, but that was last year. This is a new day, and can truly be the beginning of fresh and wonderful memories! Some may ask, “How can I be happy, because I am not even with my family now,” or “I don’t have my home anymore,” or “I have lost my job,” or “I can’t buy gifts for everyone.” This does not mean that this holiday season can’t be filled with beautiful and lasting memories. Gratitude is always a good way to kick start ourselves in a different direction. Let’s look at a few of the things we can say we are grateful for today:

    I am clean and sober!

    I belong to a fellowship of great people, many of whom are now dear friends. (Some might say, “I don’t know anybody that well yet. How do I know I won’t stay lonely? How do I know I will get close to people?”) Because if we are clean/sober and are practicing a program of recovery, we find that we are NEVER alone again.

    I have literally years ahead of me – things will get better! (How do I know that?)  Because nothing stays the same forever. If things are bad, they logically have to get better. While in ourselves we are limited and finite, we give ourselves over to a Higher Power that is infinite and limitless.

    Another area of gratitude to motivate those of us who have survived so much already: We are ALIVE! It is the easiest of blessings to take for granted. I need only go out into the cool night air, feeling the breeze blowing through my hair and against my face, gazing upon the moon and stars as they cast their subtle light upon me, breathing in through my nostrils the coolness of night and hearing the earth as it gives way beneath my feet as I take in my surroundings on a late night stroll. It is in this moment that my mind becomes profoundly aware of the greatest gift, the most tremendous of blessings, causing my heart and mind cry out, “Thank you that I am alive!”

    Recovery has some important principles to it that deserve application during the holiday season. One of the most important truths we learn in recovery is that “feelings” don’t keep us clean, nor do they contribute in any way to the growth and strengthening of my spiritual condition. The only thing that does this is A C T I O N! We know the “actions” that keep us growing in our recovery are things like, step work, sponsorship, prayer and service work. This principle of action is a guaranteed successful tool in not only surviving the holidays, but quite literally making them the BEST EVER! A principle we learn in early recovery is that “self” is the root of our problems, and that “selflessness” is where our solution can be found. You know the saying, “We keep what we have by giving it away,” right? Along those same lines, there is another principle I have found to be true – “To get what we’ve never gotten, or to get back what we lost along the way, (perhaps hope, joy, peace, sanity or maintained recovery through the holidays) we have only to get out of ourselves and try something new.

    Here are some suggestions for staying clean & sober and making this the best holiday season ever!

    Stay in close communication with your sponsor (daily if needed).

    Volunteer for service work in your home group or within the recovery community for meetings and events being held through the holidays.

    Be sure to have a listing of no less than 5 people with strong recovery time (5+ years) and their contact information to reach out to at any time that you may need them.

    Provide YOUR number to at least ONE person who is “newer than you” that might need support during the holidays so that you can be there for them!

    Find out what events and needs The Watershed Alumni Department has; you can get involved in and be of service to the patients at the facilities or to new Alumni.

    Strive daily to do a random act of kindness – whether it is for a friend or a total stranger. (If you do it in secret, never telling a soul, your Higher Power will know and it is truly a wonderful experience!)

    If you see a homeless person, smile at them. They may have felt unnoticed for a long time.

    Along those same lines, if you see someone who is hungry or thirsty, bring them some food or water

    Check out service opportunities where you can volunteer in your local community: A soup kitchen, Habitat for Humanity, The Angel Tree (Provides toys for kids who won’t have them otherwise) – Even if you can’t afford to give, you can afford to assist in volunteering to help gather the toys; or even figure out your own charitable drive, like collecting sweaters, jackets or blankets to give to the homeless on the streets.

    If you are lonely, rather than waiting for someone to invite you somewhere, (they may assume you have somewhere to be) why don’t YOU be the one to give the invite! To either go out as a group somewhere, or to come to your place for pizza, popcorn and a movie! Perhaps in doing so you will give someone else a brighter day!

    Leave a small gift for someone who serves you. Perhaps your postal worker, gas station attendant, grocery store clerk, pastor or rabbi; perhaps a waiter or waitress where you frequently eat!

    Make a full gratitude list of quite literally everything you can think of! (From sunlight, to water, your breath, the wind, sight, sound, a mind that still works, etc…)

    On Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and/or New Year’s Eve – Go to a 12-step meeting and make a conscious effort to look for someone in need of support. Be the one who is there to offer your hand to that struggling member.

    If you are really having a hard time (as we sometimes do), and find you can’t pull yourself out of the rut you are in, ask the God of your understanding to do for you what you cannot do for yourself by perhaps saying this: “God, please help me see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears and love with Your heart today.”

    What a wondrous life! The opportunity for a fresh start to live again; not the life that we “deserved”, but rather one that was freely given to us.  One of the most tremendous gifts I believe we have been given is in being blessed with knowing our “life’s purpose” (at least one of them). A lot of people in this world go to the grave wondering why they were put on this earth in the first place and never get that answer. We know at least one incredible purpose! It is something that will lift me up and I can do any time – to be a vessel for my Higher Power and offer my hand to another sick and suffering addict/alcoholic, sharing with them the solution I have found by way of my experience, strength and hope. How incredible is that?! That someone like me, with a medical prognosis at 19 that I needed to live in a group home, be put on disability and could never function independently – would become someone that the God of the Universe would actually use to provide hope, love, joy and a working solution that would change the lives of the hopeless!

    It is my most sincere and heart-felt wish, that this holiday season will be your very best! God bless you all!

    © 2011-2014 Rebecca Balko

     

     

     

     

     

  • Practicing Principles

    Practicing the Principles in all Our Affairs

    “What does it mean to practice?”  “What is a principle?” A couple of definitions are: 
     1. An important underlying law or assumption required in a system of thought.
    2. A way of working – the basic way in which something works.

    “What are the principles in recovery that we are to practice?”

    In essence, the principles in recovery are outlined through the 12-steps and reflected through the entirety of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

    In the chapter “There Is A Solution”, (on pg.28 – second paragraph), it says: We in our turn, sought escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, “a design for living” that really works.

    When we come in the doors of the 12 step community, I believe it’s a safe bet that the “escape” we are seeking is from the grips of active addiction and all the pain that comes with it. Later we certainly all face life situations in recovery that have caused us to feel that same way. The solution is the very same. So, what is that solution? The solution is that “flimsy reed” – otherwise known as the 12 steps.

    If we look over the steps and just pull “one” principle found in each one we might find the following:

    Step 1: Acknowledging that I am finite/limited in the power I have to control all of my surroundings.

    Step 2: Recognizing that no matter how bad the situation is that I am in, I only need to have a “belief” that sanity (wholeness) can be restored to my thinking/direction by a Higher Power.

    Step 3: Realizing that at any time I can review my circumstances and make a decision to include God in my thinking and decisions.

    Step 4: Willingly look for my own role in situations that have occurred.

    Step 5: Making admissions of the wrongs I see in myself to God, myself and another person.

    Step 6: Through admission that “I” can’t “fix me.”  I am “willing” for God to take my defects.

    Step 7: I see how limited I am to “fix me.”  I am then able to ask God to do take over where I fall short.

    Step 8: I now know where I’ve been wrong, so I am willing to make amends.

    Step 9: I take my willingness & put it into action through making amends (with the exception of it causing more pain for someone else).

    Step 10: By acknowledging that I will never be “perfect,” I continue on a daily basis to look at my thoughts, motives and actions.  When I’m wrong I take care of it as quickly as possible.

    Step 11: Realizing that the “problems” of my life came from “my” self-centeredness. I am to strive for finding a “greater purpose” by asking God’s will for me and remembering that the ability to carry it out comes from God as well.

    Step 12: As these principles are practiced I will grow spiritually. I will find freedom where I had none, I will attain peace where there was chaos and where I was once lost I will gain purpose and direction. Because of the peace and hope I find, I will want and “need” to share with others what I have found.

    To practice these principles in all of our affairs, we have only to realize that “we” are not the solution.  God is the solution, and by following some simple guidelines our lives will improve and we will have a tremendous impact on the world around us.

    © Rebecca Balko

  • Getting Out of Yourself

    Getting Out of Yourself

    Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.  It works when other activities fail.  This is our Twelfth Suggestion:  Carry this message to other alcoholics.” (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 89)

    Giving back what was so freely given to you is an absolute necessity in the program of recovery.  Working with other alcoholics and addicts is the solution to permanent sobriety.  We cannot keep what we have without giving it away.

    The alcoholic or addict is full of self.  Our problem was not the drugs and alcohol.  Our troubles stem from a life run on self-will.  We were selfish, self-centered and egotistical.  Basically, we were full of ourselves.  The solution to getting out of ourselves is found in helping others.

    Effective Ways to be of Maximum Service to Others Service does not always have to come from sponsorship or twelve step calls.  There are many other ways to carry the message.  After all, service is simply any act that is good for others.  Let’s look at a few examples:

    Show up consistently to make coffee at the meeting.

    Help out by emptying the butt can outside the meeting.

    Talk to the suffering addict/alcoholic who picks up a 24 hour surrender chip.  Tell him or her how you got the amount of time you have.  Explain how you feel today compared to how you felt then.  Exchange phone numbers and offer support.

    Call someone with less time or more time than you.  Ask them how their day was, and what’s going on in their life.  This action will make your problems seem less significant.

    When you have enough time in sobriety, sign up for a Hospitals and Institutions commitment. Bringing a meeting into a detox unit, treatment center, hospital or correctional facility will give you a real sense of gratitude.  Make H & I your new high.

    Volunteer at a boys and girls club, soup kitchen or your local hospital.  Helping others does not just involve people in the fellowship.  The program of recovery involves practicing the principles in all our affairs.

    Taking the action to help others gets us out of ourselves.  It works when everything else fails.  When we live on an altruistic plane we begin to see that the world no longer revolves around us and our self-centered motives.  Our self-worth improves and life begins to take on a whole new meaning.

    On Sponsorship and 12 Step Calls

    Getting out of ourselves and carrying the message to the addict who is still sick and suffering is our solution.  This is the core of our program.  We give back what was given to us, and in return, we stay sober. When we have taken all twelve steps, the promises of the program begin to come true, and it is our duty to carry the message of hope to the newcomer.

    Sponsorship should never be about your opinion of the program.  There is no such thing as a personal interpretation of the twelve steps.  A sponsor’s duty is to live and then convey the solution of the twelve steps to the sick and suffering addict. 

    We cannot transmit something we don’t have.  If you have not experienced something don’t share it with the newcomer.  Keep the message clear and simple.  Take your sponsee through the work the same way your sponsor took you through.  `

    A sponsor is not a junior therapist, financial advisor, relationship coach, or a nurse.  The responsibility of a sponsor is to take another alcoholic or addict through the twelve steps.  We cannot “fix” anyone.  We can help them by taking them through the work and offering our experience, strength and hope.

    Once you have taken all 12 steps, contact your local Intergroup Office and have them put you on their 12 step call list.

    Tips on Making Twelfth Step Calls:

    Reprinted from Lifeline, May 2001, Volume 34, Issue 5:  The Newsletter for Alcoholics Anonymous St. Paul and suburban area Intergroup Central Office

    Arrange for another AA member to go with you.

    Have a quiet time, read Chapter Seven in the Big Book.

    Maintain anonymity.

    Talk to the prospect alone, if possible. (That is, without his family and friends there.)

    Congratulate him on wanting to do something about his drinking problem.

    Give him some AA literature.

    Note well what the Big Book says at the bottom of page 94:  “On your first visit tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.  If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book.”

    Each of you tells him “what you used to be like, what happened, and what you are like now.”

    If he wants to talk, let him.

    At the top of page 95, it advises, “Give him a chance to think it over…Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once, you may be tempted to let him do so.  This is sometimes a mistake.  If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed him… If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval (at least ask him to read the first 164 pages).  After doing that (reading the book), he must decide for himself if he wants to go on.

    When you are ready to leave, tell him you will call on him the following day if he wants, and he will have time to read the first 164 pages, or had time to think about your conversation.

    Note that the second paragraph on page 96 says, “Suppose you are now making your second visit to a man.  He has read this volume, and he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery.”  At this point you review the Twelve Steps with him, and arrange to bring him to your group meeting.  If he does not want to go on, or feels that he can do it some other way, pick up your copy of the Big Book and invite him to call on you again if he changes his mind and decides that AA can be of help.

    The Big Book, at the top of page 96 says, “We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot, or will not work with you.  If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself.”

  • Return to Sanity

    Return to Sanity and Soundness of Mind

    Addiction has the power to take control of an individual to the point where their whole life is centered around the substance of their choice.  This world of insanity leads the addict to a place where they have a hard time differentiating true from false.  Their perception is skewed and they lose interest in anything and everything that was ever important to them. 

    Dr. William Silkworth introduced the idea that alcoholism involves a physical allergy and an obsession of the mind (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxiv).  This means that when you want to stop using entirely you cannot, and when you use you have little control over the amount you take.  The disease of addiction is a twofold illness that can be overcome by a “spiritual experience” or “spiritual awakening” found by working 12 steps in a program of recovery.  This process can return the addict to sanity.  The word sanity is derived from the Latin root sanitas, which means whole or healthy.  A sane person is one who is stable, healthy and whole with a sound personality. Working a 12-step program of action gives addicts and alcoholics the opportunity to return to sanity and wholeness of mind.

    “What is a Spiritual Experience?”

    A “spiritual experience” is the solution to the disease of addiction.  This psychic transformation involves a personality change that is sufficient enough to remove the obsession to use.  Dr. Carl Jung said alcoholics could solve the drink problem if they had “vital spiritual experiences,” or huge emotional rearrangements and displacements (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.  27).

    Seeking a psychic change through working all 12 steps will remove the obsession to use.  In addition to freedom from active addiction, taking this action will restore the addicted person to sanity and soundness of mind.  This shift in feelings, emotions and outlook on life moves the recovering addict from a life filled with self to dependence and a belief in something greater than themselves.

    Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

    A sense of a connection with nature and others around you.

    The capacity to truly enjoy every moment.

    An ability to act spontaneously in the moment rather than acting out of fear from past experiences.

    An overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation.

    Constant smiling attacks.

    Developing the ability to unconditionally love without wanting anything in return. 

    A sudden loss in the need to argue or be in conflict with others.

    A loss in the capacity to worry.

    A loss in the need to judge others.

    A loss in the desire to judge self.

    Losing the interest in disrupting the actions of others. 

    Letting things happen, as opposed to making them happen.

    This is what your life will be like once you have gone through the transformation.  Don’t be discouraged if this doesn’t happen overnight.  Many “spiritual experiences” are of the “educational variety,” meaning they take place over time.  Perception changes gradually while attitudes and outlooks become more positive as the addict takes the necessary actions of recovery.  Friends and family will often see the change in the recovering addict long before they notice a change in themselves.